Truth Sessions: Sex

…Since they are no longer two but one, LET NO ONE SPLIT A PART WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER. Mark 10:8-9 NLT

Dreams

12:36am: August 20th, 2000

Twelve hours before, I’d worn a simple strapless (very white) gown, and, with zero hesitation, walked down that long aisle toward the most incredible of men. 

We. Did. It.  

Having defied impossible odds, by the very skin of our teeth, we’d chased the purity train, and now, exchanging vows in front our friends and family, we’d reached the coveted destination.  Clearly – undoubtably – our marriage would be blessed, honoring to the Father, perfect in unity, and the sex?  I mean, actual explosive fireworks would accompany us. Making time for anything else would be a near impossibility for the rest of our lives. 

…Except here I was, shaking Steve and yelling, “We fell asleep!! It’s after midnight! Our wedding day is over!  We have to have sex… RIGHT NOW!” 

Never mind the fact that we were exhausted with a plane to catch in less than 5 hours.  How could this – our long-anticipated, most perfect wedding night become a massive – irreversible – life fail?  I actually remember thinking out loud, “We can never tell anyone this happened. Ever.” 

The number of things wrong with how I believed intimacy in marriage would look like, feel like, and naturally just BE like reached far beyond that first night.  How, of all that we claim to be transparent about as Christians, have we done such an incredible disservice to the conversation surrounding sex?  

Isolation

I have cried more tears on this one topic than the rest of the things I hold dear, combined.  Some days the mounting pain, the shame, and regrets are so deep that I’m but a walking shell of myself.  And it feels absolutely unexplainable. I am deeply in love with a man that daily exceeds my dreams for a husband in astounding ways. I am safe with him. I trust him. I am attracted to him. I am honored because this person chose me. And, yet, for 18 years, like waves crashing the shore, the cycle of this fight knocks on our door. I’ve felt, recently, long past weary, I’d come to the end of myself.  

But there is a tiny flicker of a flame that won’t stop whispering to my threadbare spirit, “Sweet daughter, our battle is not against flesh and blood. Pick up the sword I’ve given you and FIGHT the way I’ve taught you.” 

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12 ESV

Reality

So today, with the most honest injection of TRUTH I can offer, not because it’s easy, but because it is urgently required, I am here to shout that the enemy is lying to you about sex.  

Not simply tricking you, or enticing you, or using you.  He is full-on LYING to you.  All the time. Your history with or without sex is deeply intimate, most personal to you.  But, as far away from mine as yours might fall, our mutual, albeit diverse, struggles have underlying consistencies that deserve a voice.  

…He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44 ESV

The enemy understands the power of intimacy.  He knows this is an intentional and great gift from our Father.  He fears the strength of two becoming one.  He doesn’t want your heart to be satisfied, your relationship fortified, or your confidence increased.  He doesn’t want your babies to be born or your families to flourish.  He is afraid that the power of your unity will put 10,000 angels to flight, and, as your feet become more deeply rooted in love, his power over you will be but a lingering shadow.  

Knowing their thoughts, he said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand. Matthew 12:25 ESV

And it should be clear to us.  Painfully obvious.  Laughable.  Lies that twist and deceive us from every single perspective. The very topic the enemy dangled to destroy me before marriage is the very thing he uses against me now in it.  Like a switch, he will twist our every present circumstance to his advantage.

And there is not a one-size-fits-all approach.  Simply saying guys only think about sex and girls don’t… That only serves to cheapen and underestimate the complexity of this battle. Some of my most desirable girlfriends have the hormone drive of a 18-year old boy but are married to men who just “aren’t that interested”. I look at them and think, how is that even possible?  There are literally endless examples, with one most ironic commonality: we feel alone in our fight. Ponder that—doesn’t it make sense?  The very intention of the enemy is to destroy the power of our unity.

Truth

In your abstention, he will make you feel inadequate, unwanted, unsatisfied and alone.  In your experience, he will make you feel dirty, ashamed, embarrassed and used. Your body, at any age, weight or profile, will be too much or not enough. He will rob you of your pleasure or chain you to it.  Tactically, he will position you against your partner, and the very thing that should bring total freedom to your relationship can become weighted shackles that both limit and destroy. 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10 ESV

What happens next is tactically planned. Because the by-product of those chains will demotivate endless other callings and dreams the Father has placed on the hearts of both you and your partner.  Inadequacy in your private life becomes the lens through which you view other areas of your life. The enemy’s lies will echo throughout your mind, breaking your confidence in far more spaces—destroying your calling in deeply impacting ways.  

Together

But, dear chosen one, today is the day when things can begin to change. It starts by coming out from the shadows of this fight. You are not alone. You are, in fact, surrounded by people who you admire and respect that are being spoon-fed the same lies and are weary from the same battles. We strip the enemy of his power when the light of day reveals how pathetic, underhanded and unimaginative his schemes have always been.  

I will, however, not downplay how hard it can be. Only a few months ago, I slid into the deepest place of hopelessness I’ve ever known. I was ready to give up. And the implications of that were as terrifying as they seemed inevitable. But that level of desperation shook something out of me. Give up?? On all that I have? All that I love? And that’s how I knew, unequivocally, this is not me.  This is a twisted illusion from a desperate liar designed to take me out. And with new, warrior-like resolve, I began to fight my enemy differently.

First plan? Start the conversation I’d been terrified to have about intimacy. Call out his bluff from the rooftops. Listen, when we realize HOW MANY seemingly perfect relationships – friends, insta couples, and influencers of the world – are fooled into the same spiral of hopelessness, those blinders meant to keep you isolated fall off. Every fight, every ruined night, every fear, every loss: We share them.

So whether you are on your knees praying for the partner your heart longs to meet, recovering from experiences in intimacy that have left you tattered or shameful, struggling against addictions that never fully satisfy, or working on a marriage that has the potential to advance the kingdom of God in new ways… There can be no shame under the cover of God’s grace.

Remember!

He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. Psalm 145:19

Find trusted friends, mentors, or a counselor with whom you can speak honestly about sex. Stop  adorning a fictitious facade in public that routinely crumbles behind closed doors. Boldly stare the enemy down and take back your ground. Then do it again tomorrow. And do it again the next day. And again. Fight the way our Father has taught you. (Standing WITH your partner if you have one) Because God fights with you. Do not be fooled by how impossible it feels. Your battle is already won.

KNOW IT:

And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together IN PERFECT HARMONY. Colossians 3:14 ESV

Commit your way to the Lord; TRUST IN HIM, and HE WILL ACT.
Psalm 37:5 ESV

SAY IT:

I AM STRONG in the Lord and in the strength of HIS MIGHT. Ephesians 6:10 ESV

I will cast ALL my anxieties on him, because HE CARES FOR ME. 1 Peter 5:7 ESV

He WILL FULFILL MY DESIRES because I fear Him; and HE HEARS MY CRY AND SAVES ME. Psalm 145:19 ESV

And, friends, please share this one.  Help bring the freedom of piercing truth back to a topic that leaves too many of us broken. Let’s start this conversation together.

 

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To read more on God’s plan for you in Marriage: Fathertale Adventure