What “I DO” (Commandment #7)

You shall not commit adultery.

Exodus 20:14

 

I’ve been married for 14 years 2 months and 3 weeks.  At age 19, my husband, Steve, became my first boyfriend. My very first kiss.

We would both tell you that I was truly a terrible girlfriend our first time around.  I got it better the second time. But the third was when I really began to shine…

By my senior year in high school almost all of my friends were boys.  Many of the girls had stopped talking to me when, after all those years of being the awkward girl, the guys finally started taking notice.  Problem was, my self-confidence was broken from all of those awkward years.  And, in an effort to build myself back up, I’d become quite a flirt.

It was a simple solution.  A guy liked me = I felt pretty.

But, after that, I didn’t know how to behave, and I’d run for the hills.  Making the transition to girlfriend left me entirely clueless – even at times, seemingly, heartless.

That’s why Steve had the worst girlfriend ever when we started dating.  I was head over heals for him, and “batted my eyes” for ages until he finally asked me out.  But when I knew he’d liked me back, as per my norm, a switch flipped inside of me.

After a few months, he was, rightfully: D.O.N.E.

And I was heart broken.

It took 3 years and 2 break-ups for me to learn that love is selfless.  It’s not at all about a fleeting confidence boost. My version was a cheap imitation of God’s love, that, ironically, left me feeling more empty.  (What adultery in all forms inevitably promises to do)

Just this week, I was talking with one of my single friends who’d recently been “stranded” in a carpool with a guy she’d very recently met.  He’s single too and exactly her type.  (Ah, how fun!)  They had a traffic-jam-filled flirty conversation getting to know each other.  She down-played it, but I was like, “Girl!  Enjoy these moments while you still can!”

That day, I realized, outside of my husband, I haven’t truly had a guy who is my friend in 14 years, 2 months and 3 weeks.  While there is no law against married people being friends with the opposite sex, and some do it successfully, it often naturally happens that we weed them out.  Why?

Because it can be dangerous.

The electricity between a man and woman in a friendship is especially exciting.  Attraction is one of those sensations that can be absolutely addicting.  And, like any addiction, it can be incredibly dangerous.

I’m intensely happy in my marriage.  And Steve and I have had many open conversations about adultery.  He travels all the time for work.  We know we could be at risk, so when either of us is feeling insecure, we say it. We recognize that it’s smart to have a healthy fear of what has broken many – even strong – marriages apart.

All signs point to an easily sustainable life-long partnership in my marriage.  But it’s when I dig a little deeper that I realize how healthy keeping AWARE really is.

Old habits die hard… I’ve worked many a room while at business conferences with Steve.  And you want to know the truth?  I can still flirt.  A happily married woman?  Yes.  But I still like that chase.  Or, better said, being chased. Once, a large group of new friends went dancing in NYC after a gala dinner.  With my husband sitting a few seats away, I allowed two men to rather indulgently fawn over me.  They fed a piece of me that still has insecurities and vies for attention.  It’s a cheap high that I, once AGAIN, gladly bought into.

It scares me.  And it shames me.

What insecurity would you eagerly allow someone else to fill?  Where are your danger points, however innocent they might initially seem?  And remember it’s not just about physical attraction.  Often it’s feeling respected, admired, intelligent, or valued that plants seeds and sprouts roots.  Be honest with yourself, because these cracks are your points of vulnerability.

I’ve never had an affair.  But I can guarantee you that MANY of those who have, NEVER thought they would.

NEVER.

“He who commits adultery LACKS SENSE; he who does it DESTROYS HIMSELF.”  Proverbs 6:32

And when Jesus came to the seen He made this commandment all the more personal: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has ALREADY committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27-28

There are many ways to approach keeping Commandment #7 because we each struggle with this sin differently.  Ultimately, it’s about keeping our intentions in check:

• The “Light of Heather” can be dangerous and seductive.  It says:  “LOOK AT ME!”  “LOVE ME!”  “DESIRE WHAT I HAVE!”
• The “Light of Christ” breaks the chains of sin and death.  It says:  “LOOK AT GRACE!”  “LOVE OUR CREATOR!”  “DESIRE THE FREEDOM FOUND IN HIS TRUTH!”

One breeds death; the other, life.  If I want people, including men, to see Jesus in me, I don’t have to run away from the qualities in my personality that attract others to me.  I have the honor of using those talents to shine Christ’s LIGHT in darkness.

Now THAT is a sustainable high!

But Satan will try to confuse us with customized short-term pleasures guaranteed to bring long-term collateral damage.  We can’t allow that to happen.

We need to walk with our eyes open and our conscience in gear, never pretending we’re invincible, and always remembering that “God is my strength and my shield.  My heart trusts in Him and HE helps me…” Psalm 28:7.

And flirt (!) … with your SPOUSE.  Those powers were given to you for the good of (one)mankind!!  😉

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This is dedicated to you, Stephen Scott Yoder.  With patience, you reeled me in, and I’m completely taken.  I hope to flirt with you until I’m so old that you have to remind me what flirting is