Well with my Soul.

Psalm 42:5  Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

 

In the past 12 years of this European adventure I’ve had a lot of “on my face” moments with God.

A lot.

If you’re looking for a lesson in being humbled, then living in a foreign country is a very smart place to start.  But if you want to grow in exponential ways, be on your own, away from your family, friends, church, language, comfort zone and customs — then have 2 kids.

I need to also say that this time has been unbelievable in a full spectrum of ways.  There have been countless moments when I’ve stepped outside of my circumstance and thought, “How do I deserve to be here doing any of this?”

Still, this was not intended to be a full relocation.  And we’ve been waiting on The Lord to know how long to stay.  But year after year, no “leave” has come.  There have been times we’ve been very close.  Times we’ve nearly moved back to the US (or Australia, or India, or Japan, or Spain).  And there have been times we took a huge leap of faith and did things like having kids & changing jobs, churches, and homes, even when we had no idea how much longer we’d be foreigners in this country.

This is why today has been a really hard day for me.  Because in the coming week, we may have an answer regarding a huge next step for our lives.  And this is, perhaps, the biggest “next step” we’ve ever faced.  Stephen has worked flat-out for the past 4 months to get us here, but, to be clear, this is 4 years in the making — if not all 12 combined.  And, once again, in the eleventh hour, the game plan may be changing, and the outcome may be altogether different from what we’ve been praying for it to be. The circumstances are out of my control.  All I can do is wait.

So I feel like I need to write this blog now, before the answer comes, because no matter what happens tomorrow, what happened today has reminded me that our God is faithful.  All the time. 

When I woke up this morning something in my spirit broke.  My tears have come steadily, hard and fast.

Today, as I’ve tried to keep myself together, I’ve been capable of doing little more than lying face down on my son’s bedroom carpet working through this heavy heart and letting the tears flow.

In no uncertain terms, I’m laying my life down before the Lord once again.

I want desperately for His will to be done, but there is still too much of me in the mix.  If the answer is not what I have hoped, will I still trust Him?  I realized that after all I’ve been learning, I’m still holding on to my own desires.  My plans.

And, as I stare at my clenched fists, I am overcome by just how hard it is for me to let go.  I don’t feel brave right now, I feel very much alone.

But here’s the part about God that I love:

When I woke up this morning, my heart was heavy.  That was exactly when the Father started working in me.  A song can pierce the roots of my chore more than anything else.  It’s always been the case with me.  When I need to dance or to lay in a ball and cry — music is what gets me through.  And, today, the Father hand delivered a song that unexpectedly stopped me in my tracks and brought me back to Him.

There is a new version of the classic hymn “It is Well” produced by Bethel church.  Almost accidentally, I stumbled upon it and began to play it on repeat.  The words sunk deep in my heart.

I realized:  How can I get this circumstance to be well with my soul?

MY SOUL.

It felt impossible and, as I wrestled with God about who should have control, I felt Him slowly take my clenched fist and begin opening my fingers one by one.  But can I really do this, Lord?  Can it truly be well with my soul, if all I’ve been pinning my dreams on falls away?

I cried and cried and, even though the words I should have been praying couldn’t come, I know that He sees my heart.  How was I able move from where I woke up today to this new place in the span of a few (hard) hours?

Because He is faithful.

And the reason I can give Him my dreams, my plans, my expectations – is because He knows me well enough to come to this little toddler’s room and cry on the floor with me.  And He doesn’t judge me for trying to take the control back once again.  He doesn’t make me feel small because of my inadequacies.  He meets me here, and He lifts my hands above the waves so I can worship Him and learn that abiding in Him is so much easier than being in control.

I won’t minimize how much I want this answer to be a “Yes”.  But, now, as my eyes are still sore from crying and my head is pounding from how fast and hard the tears have come, I KNOW IT WILL BE WELL.

And it will be well for you too.  The circumstance you are facing that you want to control – let go of your grip and let His plans be your plans.  As hard as it seems, let your soul rest.