You know all my desires, O Lord, and my groaning has not been hidden from you. Psalm 38:9
I’ve heard that the best writers are those that write directly from their own experience – often from their own pain.
Today, I expect to be a great a writer.
About 8 months ago my husband told me that Hillsong, a church which began in Australia and has been taking the world by fire ever since, would be hosting a conference in London this summer. We decided it would be an amazing experience for our whole family and booked the “Early Bird Special”.
We could never have known that the timing of those distant days in July would coincide exactly with one of the most important weeks of our lives…
Have you ever prayed so long and so hard for something that you grew tired of hearing your own prayers? Lately, when I try to come to God with what is most forefront on my heart, I feel like the words are choked somewhere just out of reach from my mouth–my mind–my spirit. It’s like I’m standing in a hole within my soul. Years of praising, pleading, believing, recommitting, and pressing-through have come to this.
All I have is silence.
It takes everything in me to look up and find the eyes of Jesus, believing he can see straight into me and hear what my heart can no longer speak. That He can hear the “groans of my spirit”.
When we arrived in London last Wednesday, I knew our answer was imminent. We’d literally be praising straight through to the other side. There was no coincidence in the timing. In fact, it was so perfect, it scared me. Over 3 days, for hours on end, all I did was worship. I became positioned.
If I was tender when I arrived I was surely broken when I left.
With each tear filled song and rooted conviction, one at a time, I was slowly picking up the armor of God and putting it back on, piece by piece. The “weapons of our warfare” – how had I forgotten I’d need them ALL to face what’s coming next?
Then, in the stillness of our first morning back in Munich, I had no idea that the answer to my heart’s cry was getting ready, after all these years, to finally arrive.
And it was a quiet “No”.
There it was.
I managed to keep my tears hidden until my husband left.
“The Circle Maker” is a book that has become highly significant to me. In it, Mark Batterson writes: “But we should praise God for disappointment because it drives us to our knees. Disappointment is like dream defibrillation. If we respond to it the right way, disappointment can actually restore our prayer rhythm and resurrect our dreams.”
I don’t know what your heart can no longer speak about right now. I’m not sure what you’ve been pressing into for so long that you’re too weary to battle against it with anything but your tear-stained eyes. I’m not sure what report you’ve received, what promise has been seemingly stolen from you, or what hurt you’ve encountered, but I do know that our God is still faithful. And He hears your groans.
While in London, a speaker, Robert Madu, said something to me (there were 15,000 people there, but this phrase was mine) “When your experience doesn’t line up with what your expecting. That’s when God is revealing Himself to you.”
So what is God revealing to you right now?
Here is what He’s revealing to me:
“The promises I’ve given you are the exact same today as they were yesterday. This answer does not mean I’m gone. Do you believe in your circumstance or do you believe in Me? You have a job, and it’s to stay positioned.
And so we’re clear, when you didn’t know what to pray, I PRAYED IT FOR YOU. Because the groans of your spirit are steeped in Me.
I. KNOW. YOU. STILL.
Right now, all you have to do is trust in me, because YOU KNOW ME TOO:
- Yahweh – YHWH: Your Lord, dwelling in you
- Adonai: Your Owner
- El Shaddai: Your God Almighty
- El Olam: Everlasting
- Yahweh Jireh: Your Provider
- Yahweh Nissi: Your Banner
- Yahweh Shalom: Your Peace
- Yahweh Sabbaoth: Your Lord of Hosts
- Yahweh Maccaddeshcem: Your Sanctifier
- Yahweh Rapha: Your Healer
- Yahweh M’kaddesh: Your Sanctifier
- Yahweh Hoseenu: Your Creator
- Yahweh Raah: Your Shephard
- Yahweh Tsidkenu: Your Righteousness
- Yahweh Shammah: Always There
- Abba: Your Dad
GET-UP. And be who I’ve called you to be. You have all you need IN ME.”
And here’s the question to you, My Friend:
Will you get-up with me? Because He’s calling us out of the pit. There is NO OTHER NAME — and, as crazy as it is, He knows your name too. Are you positioned to hear it?
If you need a song to remind you of who you are what you believe, my heart is singing this one on my behalf today. I recommend listening to it while on your knees, dancing, crying, shouting, whispering and then starting all over again: This I Believe – Hillsong
#HillsongConf #NoOtherName #HeHearsYourPrayers
Darlin’ this was your best yet. You continue to make me so proud and I love you so much.
And you know that I wait to hear your thoughts. Thank you. I don’t know if it was my best, but it’s the only one I wrote where I (literally) had to wipe the tears off my keyboard. It was cleansing, and I gave myself some time to be sad – I felt I needed to let it out so I could be done with it. But 36 hours was plenty. I’m back and I’m ready to attack whatever comes next. This girl is definitely NOT OUT!
I can so relate to this! Thanks for sharing from the heart. Merry Yoder catlett, va introduced me to your blog.
Linda, I’m glad you found it. Humbled. If you are on Facebook, please find and add me, so we can be “proper friends”. I’m “Heather Menges Yoder”. =)
Beautiful daughter of the most high. Thank you for sharing his heart through your heart. Peace, power and love to you and yours.
Thank you, my friend, for taking the time to read it. <3
Thank you. I don’t know you and from half a world a way the Spirit lead me right to this. My husband and I have been in your place – 3 years we have prayed, pleaded, and paused. I don’t know the delay. I cannot understand God’s timing, on most days I remember that He ALWAYS in control and ALWAYS with our best interest at heart, but tonight I needed to be encouraged and you did just that. Thank you and God bless!
Jacki
Dear Jacki – you know what this tells me? God is still in the middle of all that you are praying, believing, and holding onto. He knows that this is hard (in truth, very hard). And THAT is why you found this from half way around the world on a whim. Because He sees your heart and He wants to encourage you (remind you!) that His plans are coming together and your delay is a part of His process. It is not wasted time. And your tears are not unseen. One day you’ll be able to see these years for what they were in the spiritual realm and it will all be so clear – every piece. But, for right now, He just wants you to know He’s still in this with you. And that is a pretty awesome gift. <3 So have some fun in the "hallway"! My heart is with you. -- Heather
Heather, thank you ever so much. I came across your blog a couple of weeks ago probably and saved it yet didn’t have much time to read through it with a couple of crazy weeks behind me… and it seems like everything I had been praying for was answered with a small but very clear ‘no’ or simply a ‘not yet.’
This has been such a great reminder to not let disappointment get the better of me but instead get on my knees to worship a God who really is the same today, yesterday and forever.
So thank you and God bless,
Anna
P.S.: I guess, what first caught my eye was that you live in Munich and I was like- ‘hey, I’m from Munich originally.’ 🙂
Something I love about the Father is that He can find us a random blog, keep it on the sidelines for a couple of weeks and then, when we are ready, give our heart a gift of something we needed EXACTLY when we’re ready to hear it. I honestly think that whatever it is you’ve been praying for is not over yet. If God brought you “here” to be sure you understand that He still sees you, there is a reason for this quiet. He’s certainly not finished with you yet. Wait on Him, and have faith that He is waiting on another “EXACTLY” moment to give you more than you’ve known to ask for. His timing is so much better, no matter how convinced we are that we know best. I’m praying with you tonight. Thank you for writing (and Munich! How fun is that?)